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Like, let the alone people have something.” He estimated that about half the men he encounters are already in a relationship of some sort, and while the estimates were much lower for the women I surveyed, they all reported a big jump in the past few years.
On the other end of the equation, nonmonogamous men have begun to sense single women’s growing frustration.
“You end up beholden to this weird cosmology in which everyone but you has a partner already.” It’s the sexual version of , and you’re the cheese that stands alone.
And if that’s what you’re looking for, then it’s perfect.
That doesn’t mean straight, single women are wholly uninterested in non-monogamy, though, and for those willing to experiment, there can be considerable upsides, both emotionally and sexually, in the right situation.
Even though it’s no longer what I’m looking for, my past experiences with dating partnered men have been uniformly positive, especially when it comes to setting boundaries and being communicative about the thorny feelings that come along with any kind of romantic entanglement.
It was 2012 and I was still new to New York and its endless sexual variety, and I received an Ok Cupid message from a 30-year-old man named Matt.
He seemed funny and kind, attractive and well-employed.It was exactly the mix of stability and flexibility I craved in my mid-20s, and with Matt and the handful of paired-but-open men I dated in the years following, I got it.Somewhere around 30, though, I found myself at an unexpected tipping point: Dating apps had begun to feel so full of already-attached men that their presence became annoying, so much so that I added a disclaimer to my profiles asking poly men to direct their efforts elsewhere.“I’ve specifically seen an increase in ‘if you are in an open relationship, swipe left’–type messaging,” says Jeremy, 38.“My general sense from the women I talk to is, ‘Great, now I don’t just have to deal with single dudes being awful at me, I also have to deal with partnered dudes being awful at me, treating me like a human sex toy to spice up their marriage, or feeling entitled to my time because they have permission to date outside their relationship.’” Dealing with male entitlement isn’t unique to women considering a nonmonogamous partner, but finding a new frontier of it is undoubtedly frustrating. “There’s a specific stigma around being a single person who is dating someone who has another, more primary relationship, and that’s deeply rooted in misogyny (‘side piece,’ ‘mistress,’ etc.).” When there have always been starkly negative social consequences for a woman dating a partnered man in the past, giving it a shot, even in an ethical and open way, can feel understably risky.Jenn, 41, who came to non-monogamy as a single woman after she ended a miserable monogamous relationship and then met a man in an open marriage, found something similar.